It would be my first time in the auditorium that I've watched on tv for months. I had been following the IHOP-Awakening services on tv and have been very blessed from the teaching and testimonies there. I didn't know that you had to get there very early to get a seat in there. It was pretty full by the time we got there and it was a little difficult to find a seat. I believe the Lord placed me where He wanted me to be that evening.
I didn't feel the need to go forward for prayer because I believe that the Lord had delivered me from my affliction the night before. I just need to believe in faith that it is done. As I was standing and praying in worship, I get a tap on my shoulder from a young lady. She said she felt the Lord was telling her to tell me a verse and some words. She had her bible open to Matthew 13:8 - "But others fell on good ground and yielded a crop: some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty." She said the Lord also wanted her to tell me that I am good ground and I am a good seed. She said, "I don't know who you are, where you are in your walk and how long you have been a Christian but the Lord says someone planted good seed in you and you are good ground. That seed is growing because you are good ground." So she said she felt that she was also to pray for me and we prayed together.
After the prayer, I asked to read the verse myself again and my eyes fell on Matthew 13:9 - "He who has ears to hear, let him hear!" As soon I read that, I pointed at it and said, "This verse is truly for me." And she said, "I was about to tell you that." Whoa, Lord. My mind is blown. I don't know how to process this. I questioned the second prophetic minister but now it is truly been confirmed.
Several other people prayed for me as I admitted to battling afflictions for a long time. Then there was a call for those who were struggling with fear to raise their hands. I did. I have been going to work with fear everyday since August. I was in great fear that I would lose my job or that things at work would become unbearable.
The Lord had a lot to say in this matter and two young ladies came to pray for me. Wow, what prophetic prayers they were praying. They were expressing the thoughts in my heart that I was not brave enough to pray out loud for.
After they finished praying, one of them told me she heard the Lord speaking to her clearly, "I hear this repeatedly - "I am Your husband. I am Your husband." The Lord is saying that over and over again. As my husband, it is His duty and delight to defend you and protect you. He will provide for you. The Lord says He has heard your prayers, and pleading and He sees the cry of your heart. He will answer all your prayers and all the things you have pleaded for. He will fulfill them for you. He will take you to new heights and do new things for you. I see a boldness in you to preach the gospel. You need confidence, not a confidence in yourself but a confidence in the Lord, secure in His love."
"The Lord says you have ears and you do hear Him."
WOW. Okay Lord, if you say one more thing, I'm going to blow up because my capacity fuse has just been blown. Can I really take anymore of this love? I had no way of processing all this. There are no words to describe what I felt or was thinking. Indescribable, incomprehensible, all-consuming God. Everything I heard from random strangers today all pointed me back to Him.
God truly loves ME. I've known it in my head but today I know it in my heart. I sleep well this night and wonder what more could happen the next day.
Friday, November 5, 2010
My Weekend at IHOP-KC (Day 2 - Daytime)
When the love of God chases you down, there is no other response but to cry. I didn't bother to put any makeup on on Friday because I knew the deep wounds of my heart were exposed and things were raw and sensitive. It would not take much to cry this day. You're taught to expect to hear from God and expect things from Him when you go on a retreat. God was more than prepared for me as well. He knew why I was there and it was Him that was drawing me unto Himself. There was one thing that I accidentally left at home - my watch, but I'm glad because the Lord planned everything then.
Today is the official start of my weekend with IHOP. I went and registered, got my wrist band and went to the first session. The speaker was Eddie and he would speak on the basis for day and night prayer. The opening of the session was enough to answer some of my pressing questions. He asked for anyone who is in a leadership role to identify themselves. I did. He mentioned a scenario that shouldn't be happening during our conversations with God. As leaders, we represent God on earth. We are His mouthpiece, His hands and we act as one.
"What if God was like this: "Did you think I wanted you to preach that? Use that bible verse? Did you think I wanted to heal that person? Did I want you to pray? etc." It would be a terrible way to live." Yes, that's how I thought about God.
"On the other hand, what if your conversation is like this: "God, did you want me to preach that? Should I have used that bible verse? Should I have laid hands and prayed for that person? Did you want to heal that person?" It would also be pretty terrible to live this way." WOW. This has how my prayer life has been and these hit home quickly. I started crying again cos those were such lies because God does not question me like that and He has entrusted me with His word.
The rest of the session I remained pretty much introverted and I was not very social that day. There was a lot on my heart and mind. I had to grab a hold of the truth, if not, I'd burn out in the ministry. After lunch, there was another session and it would be followed by our scheduled time in the prophecy rooms.
Usually, I would be very open to hearing prophetic words but with so much on my heart and mind, and also thinking that I had been making so many mistakes, I was feeling like a bad student about to receive a report card. We were ministered to in groups of three by two people. I had the prophetic words recorded this time because I knew I would need to hear it again for it to sink in. There was a chance I'd be too teary to listen carefully.
The first person gave me Psalm 63:3 "Thy lovingkindness is better than life." She said she saw that I was painting bright colors - red for the fire of God, green for the life of God and blue for the Spirit of Truth. She said I was also dancing and the Lord said He was going to give me a new dance. I will leap like a gazelle on mountains like in the Song of Songs. I will leap to new heights. She also said the Lord said I was a good servant and He is pleased, very pleased with all the things I have done. He sees and He says it's a job well-done, I have done well in the workforce. He is very pleased with me. Needless to say, the tears just start flowing. I can't stop them.
The second person gave me another verse that I don't remember now. She said the Lord said I'm in a season where He is dealing with a lot of heart issues with me. He is preparing me for the next level and is preparing me to be His bride. The Lord said I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, taking up my cross every day and dying to self. He said I'm like a seed which had to be put in the ground, broken so that something new will come out. She said she saw a flower coming out from the ground. This second one was a little hard to believe. I asked the Lord for confirmation on this one.
I've been cornered three times at it's only 4 pm. There will be more to come that evening during the healing service. I'm glad I recorded the words because I needed to hear them again later that evening.
Today is the official start of my weekend with IHOP. I went and registered, got my wrist band and went to the first session. The speaker was Eddie and he would speak on the basis for day and night prayer. The opening of the session was enough to answer some of my pressing questions. He asked for anyone who is in a leadership role to identify themselves. I did. He mentioned a scenario that shouldn't be happening during our conversations with God. As leaders, we represent God on earth. We are His mouthpiece, His hands and we act as one.
"What if God was like this: "Did you think I wanted you to preach that? Use that bible verse? Did you think I wanted to heal that person? Did I want you to pray? etc." It would be a terrible way to live." Yes, that's how I thought about God.
"On the other hand, what if your conversation is like this: "God, did you want me to preach that? Should I have used that bible verse? Should I have laid hands and prayed for that person? Did you want to heal that person?" It would also be pretty terrible to live this way." WOW. This has how my prayer life has been and these hit home quickly. I started crying again cos those were such lies because God does not question me like that and He has entrusted me with His word.
The rest of the session I remained pretty much introverted and I was not very social that day. There was a lot on my heart and mind. I had to grab a hold of the truth, if not, I'd burn out in the ministry. After lunch, there was another session and it would be followed by our scheduled time in the prophecy rooms.
Usually, I would be very open to hearing prophetic words but with so much on my heart and mind, and also thinking that I had been making so many mistakes, I was feeling like a bad student about to receive a report card. We were ministered to in groups of three by two people. I had the prophetic words recorded this time because I knew I would need to hear it again for it to sink in. There was a chance I'd be too teary to listen carefully.
The first person gave me Psalm 63:3 "Thy lovingkindness is better than life." She said she saw that I was painting bright colors - red for the fire of God, green for the life of God and blue for the Spirit of Truth. She said I was also dancing and the Lord said He was going to give me a new dance. I will leap like a gazelle on mountains like in the Song of Songs. I will leap to new heights. She also said the Lord said I was a good servant and He is pleased, very pleased with all the things I have done. He sees and He says it's a job well-done, I have done well in the workforce. He is very pleased with me. Needless to say, the tears just start flowing. I can't stop them.
The second person gave me another verse that I don't remember now. She said the Lord said I'm in a season where He is dealing with a lot of heart issues with me. He is preparing me for the next level and is preparing me to be His bride. The Lord said I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, taking up my cross every day and dying to self. He said I'm like a seed which had to be put in the ground, broken so that something new will come out. She said she saw a flower coming out from the ground. This second one was a little hard to believe. I asked the Lord for confirmation on this one.
I've been cornered three times at it's only 4 pm. There will be more to come that evening during the healing service. I'm glad I recorded the words because I needed to hear them again later that evening.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
My experience at IHOP-KC (Day 1)
I signed up for a weekend at the International House of Prayer - Kansas City so that I could spend my fall break with the Lord. I made this decision in mid-September before the bluegrass festival, making myself hang on until late October so I could be recharged. I also happened to find inexpensive accommodation for the weekend at a bed and breakfast for only $30 a night. The Lord planned the whole weekend out! He even prepared me through my own sermons for all of it.
I packed really light for this trip and took only the essentials knowing I'd rather spend time with the Lord and people. I stopped by in Baldwin City to see my college roommate and had a quick dinner with her before heading to the bed & breakfast. I arrived at around 8:00 pm. There was another guest in the B&B, Stephanie.
We started chatting and getting to know each other, and she felt that we should start praying. It didn't take a long time for the Holy Spirit to start taking care of things for me. When she started praying for me, things began to be revealed. I never mentioned how big my struggle was with depression. She saw that it was very deep, dark depression and suicidal thoughts were there too. We reached a block and something wouldn't break. That was just a symptom of a greater problem - perfectionism, which in itself was a symptom of the root cause. When the root cause was revealed, the floodgates wouldn't be held back any longer. There were things that happened in the past which caused me to be so trapped. Needless to say, there was a lot of crying that evening. The host of B&B, Bonnie also came and joined us in prayer. She asked me to envision Jesus being with me during those times when I really felt abandoned.
I remembered the Lord asking me whether I needed a hug from Him to make me feel better. I definitely needed lots of hugs and rocking that evening. I was very glad for the prayers and for the huge weight to be lifted away from my body. It was time to deal with the issues that keep me bound. After that, we went to the Prayer Room and spent a little time soaking in the presence of the Lord. It had been a long time since I felt His love and comfort.
I had a fitful night sleeping as I knew a huge battle was being fought for my freedom. The process of emotional healing is very painful itself and very exhausting to the physical body. I did wake up in time for my actual registered weekend at IHOP to begin.
I packed really light for this trip and took only the essentials knowing I'd rather spend time with the Lord and people. I stopped by in Baldwin City to see my college roommate and had a quick dinner with her before heading to the bed & breakfast. I arrived at around 8:00 pm. There was another guest in the B&B, Stephanie.
We started chatting and getting to know each other, and she felt that we should start praying. It didn't take a long time for the Holy Spirit to start taking care of things for me. When she started praying for me, things began to be revealed. I never mentioned how big my struggle was with depression. She saw that it was very deep, dark depression and suicidal thoughts were there too. We reached a block and something wouldn't break. That was just a symptom of a greater problem - perfectionism, which in itself was a symptom of the root cause. When the root cause was revealed, the floodgates wouldn't be held back any longer. There were things that happened in the past which caused me to be so trapped. Needless to say, there was a lot of crying that evening. The host of B&B, Bonnie also came and joined us in prayer. She asked me to envision Jesus being with me during those times when I really felt abandoned.
I remembered the Lord asking me whether I needed a hug from Him to make me feel better. I definitely needed lots of hugs and rocking that evening. I was very glad for the prayers and for the huge weight to be lifted away from my body. It was time to deal with the issues that keep me bound. After that, we went to the Prayer Room and spent a little time soaking in the presence of the Lord. It had been a long time since I felt His love and comfort.
I had a fitful night sleeping as I knew a huge battle was being fought for my freedom. The process of emotional healing is very painful itself and very exhausting to the physical body. I did wake up in time for my actual registered weekend at IHOP to begin.
CCF - Oct 25 Sermon for me
The next morning it seemed that everything I had preached at First Christian Church I couldn't do. I was so angry on Monday morning and everything upset me for no apparent reason that I could understand. I asked the Lord, "Why am I so angry? What is making me so upset?"
At noon, I heard a distinct voice asking very nicely, "Does someone need a hug from me today? I think someone feels very threatened today and feels like her territory is being constantly invaded. She doesn't realize that her job belongs to me."
Whoa, what a kind rebuke. I knew that moment that the solution to my anger was to press close to the Lord and just to let myself rest in His love. Interesting thing is that the sermon for CCF that evening was "Significant, Secure and Accepted."
Yes, again the sermon was for me. I was honest and open with the students as to what went on that morning. How the Lord really spoke to me that I was very angry and upset because I didn't know I was significant in His eyes. I wasn't secure in His love and I didn't know I was already accepted. I was trying to gain my security and acceptance from my colleagues and students, which doesn't always work. We got together in small groups to discuss what were the hardest things for us to accept from God.
For the second time, God was preparing me for the weekend ahead. He did give me a physical "hug" that evening after CCF. I got to eat dinner for free at the local Chinese restaurant and also take home the sushi from the bar. That relieved me of cooking the next day which would be busy with the choir concert. Acts of service and gifts - my love languages. Awesome!
At noon, I heard a distinct voice asking very nicely, "Does someone need a hug from me today? I think someone feels very threatened today and feels like her territory is being constantly invaded. She doesn't realize that her job belongs to me."
Whoa, what a kind rebuke. I knew that moment that the solution to my anger was to press close to the Lord and just to let myself rest in His love. Interesting thing is that the sermon for CCF that evening was "Significant, Secure and Accepted."
Yes, again the sermon was for me. I was honest and open with the students as to what went on that morning. How the Lord really spoke to me that I was very angry and upset because I didn't know I was significant in His eyes. I wasn't secure in His love and I didn't know I was already accepted. I was trying to gain my security and acceptance from my colleagues and students, which doesn't always work. We got together in small groups to discuss what were the hardest things for us to accept from God.
For the second time, God was preparing me for the weekend ahead. He did give me a physical "hug" that evening after CCF. I got to eat dinner for free at the local Chinese restaurant and also take home the sushi from the bar. That relieved me of cooking the next day which would be busy with the choir concert. Acts of service and gifts - my love languages. Awesome!
Sermon Opportunities - First Christian Church
"God will open doors for you to preach and nobody will be able to shut them."
I found out that it also means that even I cannot shut them. I want to be found faithful and obedient to the Lord but sometimes it is so discouraging that I just want to return my calling. I felt badly enough one night and was ready to quit. The next morning I received an invitation to fill the pulpit at First Christian Church Winfield for Oct 24. I couldn't have said no to them. I used to work for them and this was a great opportunity to go back to minister to them. I said yes without thinking too much about it.
I did preach that Sunday on "Dying to Self, Looking to Jesus." In my short training to preach, I noticed that all the sermons were meant for me. They were direct lessons for me and preaching them to others was secondary. I didn't know how close to home this would get.
I found out that it also means that even I cannot shut them. I want to be found faithful and obedient to the Lord but sometimes it is so discouraging that I just want to return my calling. I felt badly enough one night and was ready to quit. The next morning I received an invitation to fill the pulpit at First Christian Church Winfield for Oct 24. I couldn't have said no to them. I used to work for them and this was a great opportunity to go back to minister to them. I said yes without thinking too much about it.
I did preach that Sunday on "Dying to Self, Looking to Jesus." In my short training to preach, I noticed that all the sermons were meant for me. They were direct lessons for me and preaching them to others was secondary. I didn't know how close to home this would get.
Monday, Oct 11
CCF officially moved into the Band Room Galle Johnson 205. We had an amazing service even though we have a small group. The Drama Team performed and 5 people responded to the altar call. God is bringing us the hurting and the ones struggling. That is the ministry. The wall is completed, now the actual work begins. Praise the Lord.
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